Bartender vs. Psychiatrist


moleSO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”



Pick Up Lines

slut2Can I borrow a quarter? [“What for?”] I want to call my mom and tell her that I’ve just met the girl/guy of my dreams. (OR) I want to call your mom and thank her.

Is your dad a thief? [“No”] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes?

You must be tired. [“Why?”] You were running through my dreams all night

Your dad must’ve been a baker, cuz you have nice buns. (Hehehe……….hafta have guts to use that one……….=)

[Look at his/her shirt tag. When they say, “What’re you doing?”] Checking to see if you were made in heaven

All those curves, and me with no brakes………(another gutsy one………=)

Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

I hope you know CPR, cause you take my breath away.

What you do is walk up to girl/guy sitting at a bar and ask: “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?”

Don’t I know you? Of course — you’re the girl with the beautiful smile!

I know milk does a body good, but jeez – how much have you been drinking?

In a grocery store: “You could save a lot on grocery bills this month if you’d have dinner with me…

Ask a girl where she is from and when she replies some place your response is ‘Oh, I could have sworn you were from paradise.


Understanding Engineers-Take Eight

 An architect, a fine arts painter and an engineer were discussing  whether it was better to spend time with one’s wife or his mistress.

The architect said, “I enjoy time with my wife. This helps build  a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.”

The fine arts painter said, “I enjoy time with my mistress,  because of the passion and the mystery I find there.”

The engineer said, “I like both.”  “Both?”   “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, each will assume you are spending time with the other and you can go to the lab and get  some work done.”


Understanding Engineers-Take Seven

 carpic“Normal people … believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough  features yet.”

Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Understanding Engineers-Take Four

Check mark on chalkboard 1 There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all  things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him  regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and  everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In  desperation, they called on the retired engineer who  had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “y”  in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,  “This is where your problem is”.

The part was replaced and the machine worked  perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.  The company demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

            One chalk mark: $ 1.00 
            Knowing where to put it:  $49,999.00 
            It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


Understanding Engineers-Take Three

 Zohar 2A minister, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a  particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys?  We must have been  waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The Minister said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s ask him.”

“Hey George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re  rather  slow, aren’t they?”

The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind  firefighters. They lost their sight, saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment, then the minister said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”