1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. We know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. Our bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
7. We can open all our own jars.
8. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
9. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
10. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
11. All your orgasms are real.
12. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
13. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
14. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
15. Your last name stays put.
16. The garage is all yours.
17. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
18. You never have to clean the toilet.
19. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
20. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
21. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
22. Your underwear is $10 a pack.
23. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
24. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
25. You don’t have to shave below you neck.
26. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
27. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
28. Everything on your face stays its original color.
29. Chocolate is just another snack.
30. You can be president.
31. There is always a game on somewhere.
32. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
33. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
34. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
35. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
36. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
37. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk in the room.
38. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
39. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
40. The world is your urinal.
41. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
42. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
43. You never have to drive to another gas station because “this one’s just too scary.”
44. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
45. Same work…more pay.
46. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
47. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
48. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
49. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
50. If you retain water, its in a canteen.
51. The remote is yours and yours alone.
52. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
53. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
54. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
55. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
56. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “F**k it!”
57. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
58. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
59. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
60. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
61. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
62. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, “So…notice anything different?”
63. The thought of breast feeding brings back memorys.
64. Flowers fix everything.
65. Standing to take a wiz.
66. “The Three Stooges”.
67. You pretty much know everything.
68. Never being wrong.
69. Being able to perceive reality
70. Blow Jobs
